Thought Discuss

"Then, for some reason, something exploded inside me. I started shouting at the top of my voice and i insulted him and told him not to pray for me. I'd grabbed him by the collar of his cassock. I was pouring everything out at him from the bottom of my heart in a paroxysm of joy and anger. He seemed so certain of everything, didn't he? And yet none of his certainities was worth one hair of a woman's head. He couldn't even be sure he was alive because he was living like a dead man. I might seem to be empty-handed. But i was sure of myself, sure of everything, surer than he was, sure of my life and sure of the death that was coming to me. Yes, that was all i had. But at least it was a truth which i had hold of just as it had hold of me. I'd been right, i was still right, i was always right. I'd lived in a certain way and i could just as well have lived in a different way. I'd done this and i hadn't done that. I hadn't done one thing whereas i had done another. So what? It was as if i'd been waiting all along for this very moment and for the early dawn when i'd be justified. Nothing, nothing mattered and i knew very well why. He too knew why. From the depths of my future, throughout the whole of this absurd life i'd been leading, i'd felt a vague breath drifting towards me across all the years that were still to come, and on its way this breath had evened out everything that was then being proposed to me in the equally unreal years i was living through. What did other people's deaths or a mothers love matter to me, what did his God or the lives people chose or the destinies they selected matter to me, when one and the same destiny was to select me and thousands of millions of other people who, like him, called themselves my brothers. Didn't he understand? Everyone was priveliged. There were only priveliged people. The others too would be condemned one day. He too would be condemned. What did it matter if he was accused of murder and then executed for not crying at his mothers funeral? Salamano's dog was worth just as much as his wife. The little automatic woman was just as guilty as the Parisian woman Masson had married or as Marie who wanted me to marry her. What did it matter that Raymond was just as much my mate as Celeste who worth more than him? What did it matter that Marie now had a new Mersault to kiss? Didn't he understand that he was condemned and that from the depths of my future... I was choking with all this shouting. But already the chaplain was being wrested from me and the warders were threatening me. He calmed them though and looked at me for a moment of silence. His eyes were full of tears. Then he turned away and disappeared.
Once he was gone, i felt calm again. I was exhausted and threw myself onto my bunk. I think i must have fallen asleep because i woke up with stars shining on my face. Sounds of the countryside were wafting in. The night air was cooling my temples with the smell of earth and salt. The wondrous peace of this sleeping summer flooded into me. At that point, on the verge of daybreak, there was a scream of sirens. They were announcing a departure to a world towards which i would now be forever indifferent. For the first time in a very long time i thought of mother. I felt that i understood why at the end of her life she'd taken a 'fiance' and why she'd pretended to start again. There at the home, where lives faded away, there too the evenings were a kind of melancholy truce, So close to death, mother must have felt liberated and ready to live her life again. No one, no one at all had any right to cry over her. And i too felt ready to live my life again. As if this great outburst of anger had purged all my ills, killed all my hopes, i looked up at the mass of signs and stars in the night sky and laid myself open for the first time to the benign indifference of the world. And finding it so much like myself, in fact so fraternal, i realised that i'd been happy, and that i was still happy. For the final consumnation and for me to feel less lonely, my last wish was that there should be a crowd of spectators at my execution and that they should greet me with cries of hatred."