Comfort

A Break, A Pause

I wrote this under the influence of a lot, sitting on my own at a bar watching people in presidents week, i've decided not to give a shit about whether it makes sense or even means anything any more, there's another like this in my notepad that's even more ridiculous, hi hippies.

"These people around their shallow company, it seems absurd yet wonderful. The casual liquid security they find is easy and aged. Bonds through our intoxication, humour, and less these days; our adversity. After all, there is less.
When it does come, i see alone, static triumph above xxx, my mental survival is what's important. Here i am, comforted within my own mind, i can take pride in this.

On a saturday night, cold under heat lamps, i am at least unpretentious, writing alone, not to create an image to those around me but for myself. I am not above, i am not below, i am merely a human, first and foremost, expressing myself. I cannot be truly alone whilst containing myself, i know what i can create, where i have stood watching visitors and jaded lifers walk by.

I am not confined, i may have made peace with my anger and leaked vulnerability. Those i see with a mind i can relate to and appreciate are clearer, however few, even if they don't know it. Being close isn't even an issue anymore, just knowing they exist is enough.

How my father and mother allow each other their anxieties, fears and pains, and get sustenance from each other is a great thing to me, i hope i am lucky enough to compliment someone so well one day."

Job Well Done

So it seems i've apparently been doing a "stellar" job at work lately, which despite the monotony of the work, in such a generally fast paced and stressful environment, i'm pretty stoked on it. Hopefully i'm down for less of a chance of unemployment any time soon at least! Anyway, it got me thinking upon how anyone develops towards being at the forefront of their chosen lifestyle, or even their job if that can be considered a way of life, i imagine in the eyes of many career orientated individuals this is the case. When truly belonging to the elite, i seem to think that a degree of nihilism is required, whether it be disregard for any other aspect of supposed importance in your life, your mind/sanity or body. For those in the business of creativity, this is generally an isolated process,, if you have enough luck it may bring others to you, but not often the other way around. Sportsmen, though simpleminded as i may probably generalise, seem to have a way more sociable and enjoyable ride of it, but i think the satisfaction is a more primal one, the desire to be the best, which i guess i just talked about, contradictorily, yet the idea of creation itself, a sound, an image or an emotion, just evokes far more of an idea of pride within me. I feel i have that kind of a singleminded enough attitude on life to hopefully progress in something, where i see myself in a year is not the amalgam of dwindled out mediocre projects i'm currently resting on. I've just finished reading The World According To Garp again, and can only meekly understand the protective paternal fears featured as the general theme other than for my parents and sole sibling, but his(and i imagine John Irvings) writers attitude on life is something i can see in myself regularly, seeing it expressed so eloquently just helps me focus on my plans ahead, which may even possibly include writing something other than self indulgent blog entries. Wait for something good, without the distractions so easily presented to me back in England, i see the lives i could've clung onto becoming stagnant and drawn out, my minds in a good place right now, i think.

WTS

Real Life

High Life

So it seems we all have our points of interest, any moment in which we open up enough for people to start moulding their impressions upon what we choose to tell, miss out or talk about in our past. Everyone loves themselves more than anyone else, so if you want them to love you you'd better be like them, or have the confidence and abandon enough to tread your own steps. I know what i let slip, played in a couple of bands, do a bunch of self indulgent music that'll probably never make it out of my bedroom, could've been a dancer but gave up, who knew! In fact, after most small talk i've found nothing but simple minded mental nourishment, exercise, money, poor entertainment and unattainable women. I don't know how much this all matters or what i'm getting towards. How does anyone get past the small talk of a few seconds, i find it insufferable and would rather speak gibberish than exchange "how are you's" or smiles and nods. Why not just ignore if you have nothing to say? I guess acknowledgement helps the needy and insecure, but i have little enough love to care for both. Sympathy grows with experience, and while i've learnt that noone really wants to hear about the problems of their distant friends, i've not had enough problems in this new reality to need any friends to confide in. The friends in this 9-5 seem superficial and impermanent, of these older friends i find immaturity and lack of social intelligence far before their years. In fact, most people don't even believe/or know that i'm 19 here. I like this place yet am confused by its smiles and laughs. I like the people but know that once i leave many will fade away. I have no problems but long for the ones of old, what would play on my conscience, how my mind would unravel at injustice and be shared with like minds and less. Those i looked up to are still alive, more understood and less dwelt on. Happy valentines day, this ones for the lovers.

Quotations

I overhead an Australian with a nosebleed say this on the bus today and it made me laugh so much..

"One thing i've learnt from snowboarding is this for sure, if you're going to go big, don't land on your face."


LEARN FROM THIS MAN

WHY DOES NOONE LISTEN TO ME?!

Amnesiac

The other night, amongst other things i had one of the most fulfilling conversations/moments of my life, something few and far between these days. I decided on a drunken whim to ask a homeless guy if he wanted some beer in exchange for me having a go on his guitar. Being in open D Major, which is pretty much my favourite tuning anyway, i had a full on session to the point where a few people on the bridge we were sitting on came past and stuck around for a bit, we talked about the failings of the local area to provide for those below the businessman holiday type brackets etc, cliche stuff you'd expect to hear from those left behind, but he expressed it with an eloquence i wouldn't personally have expected. Other than this nights have been hard, alcohol is only bringing out rage amongst other things, probably due to the frustration im feeling due to injury right now, attempted to snowboard today but the broken coccyx is no better, i suppose a week and a half is too soon to expect full recovery, but i guess the main worry is playing a painful game of catch up in a months time. I haven't listened to any new music for a time, if anyone could suggest something above the credit crunch for me to think about then that'd be great. Drunken negative moments aside, i had one of the most euphoric listening to Yndi Halda walking through the snow the other night, i hear it's snowing back home so all of you should try something along the same lines, simple pleasures i suppose.. I'm pressed for time, and seemingly wrote a whole, frankly ridiculous passage on many a thing in a stupour the other night which may find its way onto here when i'm feeling a little less self concious.