R.I.P

Next project coming soon, a serious commitment and probably too ambitious, but who knows, it may work, until then.

Slwwwy

So i haven't written in a while, but i have a lot to write about, not all of it good. Actually, my life is a big balance of very good and bad right now, the most annoying pointless things keep happening and my laptop is out of action, which for a $1700 piece of equipment is making me pretty stressed, i need to have some kind of creative outlet right now, these restrictions are killing me. Noviewsineverycity.

Things found whilst tidying my room.

A vial of gold dust.
Passport photo of a stranger.
A gram wrap of some unknown substance.
2 exam entry sticker/cards from persons unknown.
A broken Motorola Razr, Half a Nokia 3210, 4 sim cards.
A skateboards nose, broken truck axle and baseplate.
SO MANY GOOD PHOTOS.
A whole fucking load of dust.
A papyrus bookmark.
A Santa Claus bottle opener.
A journal with photos i wrote about everything i did/saw, every day, on a 6 week trip to Australia with my dad.
A film canister full of those little caps from cap guns.
2 bank cards i cancelled due to thinking they were lost.
Loads of obscure cables i actually need, excellent.
The long lost cornwall diary(to be uploaded soon).
An old Halina pinhole camera.

I've been at this for 5 hours and still have more to do, unreal. My room will be incredible afterwards though, brz.

Matteo Gualandris

A while back in Canada, i came home at about 3 am with my mind in a fairly alternative dimension to find literally the most trippy cartoon i could ever imagine playing on the tv in our kitchen, weird music, these glowing and pulsating animations of little characters, and i swear down this is the man responsible for them, though as of yet i've been unable to rediscover it or find any proof. Anyway, his art is nice in a similar way to a guy Simon Peplow i mentioned months ago on here, have a look and go on his website here.

Some Recent Photos

A few i've taken, many from Josh and some other sources. Goodbye first impressions, welcome back to England.

Click on any of the pictures for a full size view, especially with that sunset one, it's really nice.

HAHA

How did i nearly forget about this? This was me nearly getting fired and having to leave Canada, click on the picture for a full view.

Semi Colon

So i came up to london again unannounced last night which ended up being so much fun, saw some of my favourite acquaintances and a lot of unexpected ones. It was Sam Bw's birthday event at catch which was really good, excellent acts playing, special guests were well delivered as well, i was glad to have attended. It's kind of cool that i've been able to see a lot of people i'd spent so much time away from for the first time in like 8 months yet avoid any sense of awkwardness, possibly down to growing up in some senses, it's been very worthwhile. If money wasn't an issue i'd try and be up in london so much more, the fact that it's so much easier to meet people with genuinely interesting things to talk about that they're into, rather than seemingly a lot of naive narcissiscm down here in the small towns. Which is probably a similar reason as to why most people never leave. Anyway, i've just got back, and started writing this yesterday, my mind is blown in a good way, i've had a really good few weeks and need some time to collect my thoughts. In other news, i was accepted onto a foundation degree at the music academy i want to go to today, which i'm really happy with, from literally rushing all of my application materials/portfolio work together in a week, most of it written and mastered specifically, i'm happy with things actually working out.

All in all, everything has been sweet, met a lot of good people and had rad times, ended on the high note of me walking around maidstone confused in a Limp Bizkit sleeveless, so things couldnt be any better.

Pride

I seem to be loving putting nice pictures on this blog these days don't i.. In my living room earlier, i stumbled upon two pieces of art that my sister had just done in her spare time for my mum, which i thought were amazing, and one old one i remember being so into as well. I'd ashamedly forgotten just how good she was and thought i'd scan these 3 in, maybe some more when they're out of frames etc as well. Click on the pictures to see full size in a new window, and enjoy. I miss you sis.

Er Snc Ws Kd

These have always been on my mind, they make me want to take acid so i can understand them all in some capacity or something, most definitely the final frontier, beautiful.






Go here for more, http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/gallery/2009/may/06/hubble-space-telescope-images?picture=346949826

ANOTHER MIX

This is a bit of a different beast to the one i did a little down the page, more orientated towards what i'd play in well.. I'd say like a dark house party room in the later half of it, but the first half is like entirely pop so that rules that out. It was just sort of some good songs i wanted to listen to while i lurked, that somehow felt like a mix was in order, i think it works pretty well in places/is a lot smoother than many i've done before, plus the selection has some favourites in, especially remix wise. If you were wasted, gliding and just wanted to sway i'd put some of this on, it's definitely more of an ambient background tracklisting than an in your face nosebleed smash shit up one.

Tracklisting:

Pnau - Baby (Breakbot Remix)
Lo-Fi-Fnk - Wake Up
The Mae Shi - Kingdom Come
Anoraak - Nightdrive With You
Zimpala - Can't Fall Asleep (Yuksek Remix)
Curses! - The Deep End (Holy Ghost.Day School Mix)
La Roux - Quicksand (Joe & Will Ask Remix)
Health - Triceratops (Acid Girls Remix B)
A Sunny Day In Glasgow - No. 6 Von Karman Street
The Bumblebeez - Rio (Boy 8-Bit Remix)
The Bloody Beetroots - Harvest Time (Pornophonics Mix)

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?2y1ymqqktoj

Time Away

I haven't updated in about a week in which a lot has definitely happened, been to prison, had so many barbecques, been out every night, seen so many old friends in such a short space of time it's not even funny, didn't wear shoes for 15 hours in London on my own, and arrived unannounced then stayed for a weekend there which was a whole load of fun. Supposedly i should have a lot to write about, but i'd hope it's testament to how good a time i've had recently that my mind feels a little too split to need to exorcise any things i've been thinking about, just been too busy/drunk to worry about anything. Despite all this i feel like i need to dedicate as much time apart from going out to getting more music work done, and avoid letting one side drift out of my life while one progresses, priorities.. I'm skating again which is so ideal, although just after getting my board back i had the massive setback of my shoes breaking, lakai have been emailed as it is totally unneccessary for this to have happened, since when does the grip come off the sole of a shoe? Luck isn't on my side in that sense, as well as my stupid laptop which is annoying, being told by Sony that it's totally out of their hands to repair my laptop in England due to some international warranty, and the cost of replacing a laptop fan bearing is like 230 pounds(don't have a pound sign on the keyboard) in PC World, pure beauracratic bullshit. I literally don't have much else to complain about, i need to go on the dole or get a job this week, both of which are totally depressing concepts for me, having worked full time for so long when most people i know get by on 2 days a week/student loans doesn't seem fair. Money's money though, and i'm more concerned by what i can do with what i have than how much is left as a number on a piece of paper, definitely a change from how i was when i left England initially.

It's honestly been such a week, i'm a happy man, i'll include photos for myself to look at when i'm old and miserable when i can collect them from everywhere.

Incredible

If anyone is aware of anything good, and the scandinavian/surrounding areas music scene and the consistenly good output of post rock/punk and melancholy, ethereal sounding music they harbour, they should be aware of this band. I just got back into them and although their new album isn't that great in my opinion, this 2nd EP of theirs, as well as Iris, remains possibly in my top 5 of all eps ever created or listened to by my little baby ears. It's pretty much impossible to get hold of an actual copy these days, being far out of print, but hearing this as the second legitimate release minus demos from any band still so young is inspirational, so i thought i'd share it with anyone who finds it interesting.



Password for the files is SirensSound.blogspot.com , which you should also check out as the man has good taste and a lot more selection.

http://rapidshare.com/files/108132017/Jeniferever_Jeniferever_-_10___EP_2002.rar

Rob In NY

LOOK AT ME GO

I MADE A GOD DAMN MIX DIDN'T I.

this is pretty much all on the fly with no pre empted decisions on tracklisting, just some stuff i thought i could play at places/my friends would like, sketchy but hopefully someone will like it and let me to bring my laptop to a club.

tracklisting:

Jackson and His Computer Band - Arpreggio
Joe & Will Ask - Shim
Siriusemo - Simple
Chromeo - Needy Girl(haha)
David E. Sugar - The Big H
Digitalism - Zdarlight
Timbaland - Miscommunication(Bloody Beetroots Remix)
Shadow Dancer - Soap
Fckn Crew - Can't even remember its name, this mix/drop is so badly done as well
Chewy Chocolate Cookies - Time
The Bloody Beetroots - Butter
Goose - British Mode (Jester Remix)
MSTRKRFT - Vuvuvu

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?zhizz3tmxoe

Apologies for the file being so big, i don't have any excuses at all.

Marry me you skateshop owning siren

Oh amy...

Hichiaus

So the last 7 days has been a reasonably unproductive, entertaining blur, from hopefully attempting to sort something relevant to my educational future on monday to wrecking my actual mind over the rest of the week, a lot has happened, good/bad/ugly, but other than being over the top drunk and probably embarassing i don't really have many regrets. I finally got my skateboard back on thursday which is like a little piece of heaven, the first activity fix i've been able to indulge in since snowboarding every day for like 6 months is completely well needed, i feel like an out of shape american or something right now, minus the super size. It's been good to see/spend time with a lot of old friends and see how a lot of them are actually doing something at least fulfilling for themselves, definitely makes coming home a lot more enjoyable, whether i see them or not. I think i'm finally sober for the first time since monday night, and am probably going to try and make a concious effort to remain at least a little closer to that side of my mentality for a while, just while things get settled and i aim to reintroduce myself to the world i wish to be a part of. I suppose as i'll forget everything in my life pretty soon i should note what i've even done, so Guildford was great other than not being allowed to see my parents in wetherspoons and having to wait outside for like an hour due to no i.d, smooth, seeing friends and going out with no contacts tuesday was great, definitely one of the first times that's actually been worthwhile in ashford, maidstone, wednesday all day sessions in sun and parks, finally got a phone, thursday playing football like a 12 year old with best friends, london last night was really weird but good in a lot of ways, unfortunately missed a few bands sets/everyones in such a sweaty club, but at least roused my mind from stupour long enough to have a lot of good chats.

This is categorically probably the worst blog post i've ever done, looking back there's not even any redeeming features of it's usefulness to anyone. But, on one good note, i'm aiming to try and get about 5 tracks of totally different genres done next week, probably just staying in and planning good things, so if anyone would like to get involved/contribute, don't hesitate to get in touch, it's literally going to be as diverse a project as possible so there'll be room for anyone playing anything, there is no food in my house so i'm about to walk 2 miles to buy a sandwich, love to the world. x

Tkmbrtawy.

This is really really good, click on the picture and listen, haunting.

Dormant

So i found out yesterday that there was an open day(well, 2 hours) at the college im hoping to attend this September in Guildford on Monday, and decided to set to work on some portfolio work this morning, realising what i had was, while reasonably competent, not really that fresh. One mornings quite short to rush a piece but im reasonably happy with my creation, it's pretty simple, went for a Sigur Ros esque theme, or more total rip off, and it's a lot shorter than it should be but i ran out of steam super early. Anyway, here it is, if you like it or anything let me know.

Dorsa

In other news, well not so much news as something i never mentioned to anyone, some old friends from Luxembourg called Mutiny On The Bounty who i put a show on for in Ashford several years back are about to release their first full length album, which from a few sneak previews, will absolutely be incredible, hear is a track from it.1, 2, 3, 4.

Google them or something, it'll be worth it.

The Fall Of Shi Gau Rui

By the looks of things, i've learnt nearly nothing over the last 6 months, the reasons why i needed to get away in the first place seem to be coming back to haunt me. I have a genuine urge to actually try, for the first time in a long while. Fuck writers block.

Difficulty Breathing

The traveller breaks his suitcase open upon the train station bench, and asks himself his name. After all, it's been so long, so alone, would there be any reason why he would really need it? It begins to stir, the first memories that come back are the best ones, but soon he remembers why he forgot in the first place. The disappointments, wasted phone calls(just to hear a voice that mirrored his own), replace the weight on his shoulders with a new one.

He thinks about starting again, but everything that made him special as a young man is probably now just as mediocre as those that have had the age and experience to work for it. Skills, the same ones that meant something to noone more than himself, potential(for embarassment) and a silent dream, are old, worn, rusted, held in the hand of a carer who's moved on to sunnier climbs themselves.

"Moving on whilst standing still is useless to me.." He thinks, looking through photos of friends who lost their spark, for money, for women or for power, but he saw it coming. He supposed that this kind of 'premonition' was why he'd left anyway. Some of us can shy away from watching the car crash, while others get so intrigued they become entrapped in the wreckage themselves.

7:13 and the train comes to a standstill, he doesn't have a ticket but that doesn't matter to him anymore. Every place is the same, different faces with 5 minutes of soul, but that 5 minutes will have to do for now.

Mizu Asobi

Well, by the looks of things i'm back in england, in what's been a bit of a whirlwind of various dangerous sleeping combinations, the effects of being drunk on a jetlag buzz amongst other things. So the flight home was pretty uneventful other than getting in trouble with the cheeky airport police for getting angry when i thought my flight was cancelled(it wasn't, i was a moron and arrived 5 hours early). But with regards to my last days in canada(COULD SAY THE LAST DAYS OF APRIL, LITTLE NAME DROP THERE), it's going to be sad leaving behind some good canadian guys who i got to spend a lot more time with post being a slave to the man, who of all the people in my travels i'll definitely aim to try and keep in contact with, summer trips and shit. Aeroplanes with hangovers are boring, especially when you've busted your wrist and cant carry your bags, i accidentally spilled a glass of wine on someone sitting next to me but they were into it, a girl stared at me for so long that it was offputting during take off, no idea, but other than that uneventful.

SO, england, so far all its had to offer is a mediocre brighton night out, which would have been plus mediocre if we hadnt been left to sleep at the train station, partially our own faults but whatever, and i got an ear infection from my head being too close to the swine flu encrusted floor, chucked off the train in the morning as well, out of control. Had a sick bbq in folkestone with friends past who i didnt get to see enough of before i left, ate a very good steak, discussed past, present and futures, all while reacquainting myself with the perils and perks of peach schnapps.

Hopefully this month will yield good things but everyone i know seems to have exams and boring things like that, i bought a new skateboard deck today and have already landed tricks i've never in done before, so hopefully skating this summer will be epic, if you're reading this and want to do anything, phone, talk, or just spontaneously arrive at my house and drag me into your car, im up for it.

Goodnight.x

And

Wasted so much time watching this cheeky frenchman today, absolutely incredible, i haven't laughed like such a little child in so long, probably since doing something like this actually, genius..

L'ESCARGOT (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

PAC MAN (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

England

I guess i'm the hell back in the country of my birth then, already finding it a little hard to adjust; fear at everyone driving on the right side of the road, being in a car in general, local inbreeding, amongst various other things. Having free food readily available is so ideal though, i am king of my stomach. So basically i am now expecting to have about a month of holiday at home, spending the rest of my remaining money on seeing everyone good from this island, attempting to retune my rusted social interaction skills, and am looking forward to seeing anyone that is going to help with this. I've lost a lot of brain cells over the past few weeks and although i should try and recuperate in sound mind, this is looking less and less likely.

So basically, i'm(nearly) back, have the same phone number, love in my heart and beer to drink, things are good so get in touch.

SO ANNOYING

Why the shit do stupid fucking laptop fans have to do some annoying bullshit where now they make a noise whenever the fucking laptop does anything that makes me want to smash its pathetic little annoying face with my fist. I am going to fight you technology, go home.

Holding Someones Hair Back

I leave Canada in under 2 weeks now, thats insane. Ideally, i'd construct some in depth summary of all the shit that went down in gay america at some point, but that'll have to wait until a time when my mind has returned to the realm of the living. So, what's new, the drunken need to tell people things as per, like mulling over a wound, everyone loves to air their dirty laundry. I think i've let every skeleton out of my closet to people i don't know lately, while in the past few days, probably adding a couple of new ones, it's been a little bit of a rampage. Still drunk and killing life with my hands. Attempting to maintain a bit of composure, do a bit of writing, got a few ideas for a short story i'd like to write this summer, i don't know why i'm saying that here as i'm only going to be embarassed when the topic would come up in conversation. Which makes no sense, lifes twisted when i can't even speak upon pipe dreams. Jesus, i'm gargling words again. Everyone is leaving all around me and i can't even maintain sobriety to have it actually mean something, thats not good. Today i'm eating again which is nice, my bodys diet of a sambuca bottle per night and whatever else is available can only last so long. I'm going to bed, no tears.

Good Days

Waking up drunk, phone calls, snowboarding, steak, bungee jumping, bacardi gold, rest my chemistry, chats, breaking things, skateboarding, pizza.

Yesterday was excellent.

This Summer

I was looking back through a few old photos, and realised, one thing i am looking forward to more than anything this summer is skate sessions, any chance to regress to probably, looking back, the best period of my life on this earth is welcomed, everyone/anyone up for bombing hills and breaking hearts needs to get in touch.



<

Europe

So the last few days have been pretty cool actually, i've been a little dehabilitated from whatever issues my head was dealing with, but it actually seems to be getting better, which im currently taking full advantage of via just trying to get some ideas on paper, plan some good things and think about what the fuck it is that i'm going to do with my life. Telling people with a sure voice that my agenda is set when i know next to nothing about where and when im going anywhere is getting old, i know myself to be too spontaneous to truly plan anything, and it's worked out so far. From keeping a bit of a lurk on happenings back in England, there's such a discrepancy between the people doing something, whether it be promising, succesful, or perhaps uninspired, to the people living the same old. I don't really know what i'm saying, my mind isn't yet fully functional again, but basically, i'm just looking forward to seeing and hanging out with people back home who are actually trying to put their mind to good use, get some projects going and not be scared about just getting themselves out there without giving a shit about the vulnerability or embarassment some people might try and force out from it, and im equally looking forward to not having to see the people who suck, and just use disdain, cynicsm and basically stupid humour to escape from actually trying out being a human being. Speaking of which, i finally feel like one again, i quit my job today, so am no longer a slave to machines and rich suit pieces of shit, it's liberating, i can expect a fullish paycheck plus holiday pay, tax rebate, deposits and stuff in a few weeks so i will even have money to come home with, hopefully. This has been a shitty blurred post, i'm aware of that, but fuck, i'm just glad to have enough conciousness to even type anything at all. I am deleting, into the danish, and not into pussies, get out.

Goodnight world, 4 am.

Rust Leaks

I sometimes wonder what other peoples demons look like,
the kind that keep you from dreaming them away..
Men with tails, hovering over the shoulder,
in their business suits, trying to give you the cold priorities they'd drill into you and me,
and before this, their own poor, clean slate children.

Hollow body, fluttering wings, drifting in between my moments of restlessness, certain that any moment spent awake, is one more for them to grow, design, weave patterns in an exhausted mind.

We all have our causes, shapes, sizes, different names for empty heads and nothing but silence to fill them with.

I thought i saw mine meeting in nighttime pubs, sharing drinks behind shades, exchanging stories of another woman broken, or another thought turned to glass. "Don't rush your drink", they say, "you're here for the long haul".

Fuck You Canada

So i'd been feeling pretty unwell the last couple of days, not lethargic or anything, just generally faint/on the point of passing out. But this is besides the point, basically, i don't get sick or anything too often and while it can probably just be put down to partying too hard for a while and lack of sleep, i wanted to check it out at the doctors. So i head down to the hospital to try and get an appointment, only for them to try and convince me i need to pay $700-1200 up front(?!?!) as my symptoms could lead to an emergency, and that they don't charge my insurance up front, which over these however many months has proved to be the most useless piece of shit couple of documents i've ever paid for. So fuck that, i do not have that kind of money at my disposal, nor do i intend to spend it on something so ridiculous. I go to a medical clinic for a consultation with a gp, where i have to pay &70 to wait for so long despite being the only patient in the building, before a brief, bored, and non-detailed examination where it seems she's just ticking boxes rather than actually trying to ascertain what's wrong with me. The exact quote i get given is "from this it's impossible to know what's wrong with you", OH NICE THANKS, i could've got that off of google you overpaid shrew, so i get told i need to pay more money, like $80 and come back for a blood test tomorrow morning, for results that won't come until i'm back in England and can deal with a healthcare system that while being flawed in it's many own ways, at least doesn't try to rinse you for money you don't have. I was tempted to steal a few bottles of something that sounded like morphine while she wasn't looking, try and get something for the extortionate amount i paid rather than a bitter taste of defeat and a far lighter wallet, but it turns out it was worthless shit anyway. So far from impressed, still feel smooth, nice one life. At least now that i've written this down i don't have to complain to real people, noone wants to hear that do they. But yeah, i've spent the most annoying amount this season on healthcare, pretty much never enough so that it's worth paying my insurance excess to cover it, but enough so that i have to eat staff canteen meals for a week, total bullshit.

Pretty Little Lightning Paw

This band are currently the only thing stopping me from stepping into the edge of oblivion, and i don't even know why. Hold it together Martin.

In other news, i had a little idea today that maybe i'd write short stories, or just passages of prose/poetry, similar to the little one i put below, and accompany them with an instrumental song i'd write to compliment them, perhaps sometimes the other way around, the two factors working symbiotically anyway. Could even get my wonderful, talented sister to do some illustrations, then make some cassettes with them all together and mail them to anyone interested. I really like the idea of doing something like this with my spare time, and am mainly writing about it here to remind me, as i pretty much definitely am going to start this when my heads feeling a little better. If you'd be interested in receiving a copy of anything like this then just let me know, incentives.

Dordogne

The weather is incredible outside, t shirts at the base of a mountain, in and amongst real snow is a lot. It smells like summer for the first time since i've been to france, slightly melting tarmac, grass coming back to life, all of that good shit. I cannot wait to get back on a skateboard, move out of kent and venture into the unknown again. In a minute i'm going to phone my mother, have a shower and go to work, i am a fan of nice things, so intrduce me to some. 

Sleep

"Last night, i imagined that if i fell asleep, i would never wake up. It worked, and i was dead.

 As it turns out, it was a lot like being alive. I could see, and i could feel. To start with, the things i could see and feel were lifelike, tangible, and as real as you, i, a pen or a piece of paper. I couldn't tell whether they were things i'd seen before, but the brain is a powerful thing, and it seemed to be taking me to places, views and objects that i wanted to be around. They would float in and out of my grasp, i was running through clouds, or chasing a sunset.
The clouds were never shaped like anything, but as a child they were always seahorses, countries, the blankets the stars would put on at night. I could talk forever about all the things they were..

 As time passed(or i imagine it did) in this new state, my attention span would flit between these places slower and slower, but i couldn't hold onto a sensation any longer, or quite make out the distance between myself and my surroundings. I imagine this was because my brain began to run out of batteries, i'd heard that it does this a few hours after you die..

 I aged all over again, the vivid, colourful, untouched sparks of life and living were slowly replaced by withdrawn, simpler, basic sensations. Despite what you may imagine, this was ok, to me it seemed like everything was just that much, and nothing more.

 I became aware of a few things, i could neither see myself, or imagine what i could see with. I knew that at one point, some time, i had had eyes, but this was not them, they were not this, this was something else. I started to have thoughts again, and even a kind of a conscience. I had no body, no weight but that which my mind could give me. These thoughts weren't in colour, but nor did they need to be, no regret was had for anything i had left behind.

 Some would mourn for me, a mother that bore me, a few lovers, and the loves i called my friends. Some people might cry, without ever really having known me, perhaps just needing a reason to feel sad and grieve. I remember understanding this a long time ago, even doing it myself, but here i could not. A lot had changed since then. Some would not bat an eyelid, but this was fine for them, and for I. Many would tell those i held close that i was in "a better place now", but that was a lie, this new, monochrome passage was neither better nor worse, above or below, it simply was, unaffected, constant, and calm. I thought of the ocean at night, at a time when nothing yet had broken the surface.

 I imagined all of the thoughts my mind could imagine, for what seemed like forever, free of emotion, just a quiet, clean air of acceptance. That was what was.

 I had had enough of being dead, so i was not. I saw a person in a bed between a single door cupboard and a plain white wall. That was me. My room only has one window, out of which i can see a mound of earth, and in the early spring a few flowers i've never known. Past the earth is a playground, which you can see from the floor above. I live alone, a pretty girl lives next door but i don't know her name, just like the flowers.

 Tomorrow night, i will imagine something new."

I'm laughing so much

Just found such a shitty song i made in like 06 or something when i first ever got into music production on Cubasis as a joke(i hope) for my bro Josh to make a PlayRadioPlay rip off act after he stole some of Joshes zombie dvds, i don't even know how i came up with this, but it is beyond ridiculous, i hope you find it as funny as i do, wow...

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?tznwmmmigiz

Juicy

So the last few days have been a blur, i've totally forgotten what sleep feels like, being commited to the high life on your days off takes its toll. But regardless of minor embarassments, cringiness and general slaughtering of humanity, it's been very good, from epic 5 hour chats with distant friends to the same with those close to (my recent)home. Anyway, what the fuck have i been doing, i basically decided that instead of judging everything before i let myself experience it(such an english fault), i'd just let it all happen and ride with it, possibly influenced by copious amounts of beer etc, but it was worthwhile, i did the most laddish thing ever in doing pub golf with pretty much everyone from work, a few good other people and some tagalong annoying girls, which ended up being so entertaining purely out of seeing people just dealing with drinking to a proper extent, i guess my dad being australian and my tendencies towards 70's of cheap spirits have let my tolerance maintain enough to revel in others alcoholic misfortunes rather than endure my own. Apart from not being dressed up, something i partly regret now, it's the first time in my life, and probably the only time that i've felt out of place for not wearing a golfers outfit, it was just good, un pressured, chilled and entertaining, seeing a few friends leave the town was a little sad, more time could've been spent together for sure and maybe will be, but it was a good buzz. So, pup golf/martin ruffin - 1, life/the man - 0. Still annoyed at Dean for leaving with bird but it cannot be helped, he knows and so do we all.
I don't really know why i'm writing this now as i haven't slept since wednesday night, but i guess i'm rolling now and the ball won't stop, and as of tonight i realised how good a record was to keep.
So last night, i spontaneously decided to go to a pals birthday night who i'd met once in a hot tub, surreal, which ended up being decidedly ridiculous, my mind has not left itself in such a manner for a long time, calming down was never on the agenda, but once again i feel like a human, so it's all good. It's a shame i'm only really putting myself out there so much now as my shifts/work dies down, when people tend to be disappearing, rather than earlier in the season when people were probably more open to new scenes, i guess i tended to rely on friends out of history, convenience and shit. Well, not so much, i've done a lot better than i would've back home, but now i feel i guess i'm doing myself more justice, i don't know. Code code code, i realised tonight, a lot of this stream of conciousness bullshit probably makes no sense to anyone but me and my strange grasp on language and crypticism, but i guess that's why i do it, anyone who cares can pick out something. OK, nice. So from now feeling real for a good 14 hours starting at 9 last night and dealing with work today has really made me into something good, and it was a treat to not lose a day today, do some writing, recording, even go out and just have a mellow night with good friends and good conversations for a change, something i'd been missing. I'd forgotten how good getting mildly drunk was on the same level as everyone else.

Ok, i'm going to sleep now as i'm not sure whether i'll feel like a different, neurotic, psychotic douchebag again when i wake up, so take care world, i am into you.

PS. As i'm sure a few select people will be glad to know, i have finally, truly stopped sweating.

Neck Cramp

The closest i've ever felt to dying, apparently falling 20 foot and whipping your head into steeps can result in delayed pain.

Here's a few photos of a jump building session we had a few weeks back though, shitty quality but who cares, just riding with a view like that behind you is incredible, living the dream.

Practice No.1

So in between nursing hangovers, injuries and working, i've been trying to refamiliarise myself with old production techniques, as i've already written about, but anyway, i guess this is my first finished piece, it isnt really that thought out or creative, not to mention subtle, but i just wanted to get reacquainted with everything i was into before, so have a listen if you want i suppose, i even went super lame and faded out rather than write a proper ending, but it's a start! I guess i just needed to at least finish something, get into good habits now before i start to work on anything more serious. If you're into it let me know! I guess i didn't bother properly mixing it down, high bass and shit, but it's more a session in sound design and editing rather than sound quality and levels. It's called Haunt, i don't know why, i tend to choose filenames over song titles, just let my hands type whatever. I guess that's what this is too, i'm pretty drunk and have been recording for a few hours(It's half 3 am), so maybe some more stuff will be posted soon.

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?xndvjnzzy2k

ps. i didn't land a backflip, 540s went down though.

Like A Child On Christmas Morning

Only a whole lot better, so so stoked, i don't know who to tell any of this to as noone will care except music tech geeks but my laptop is now set up to be like the most perfect daw the world could ever know, dual partitioned hard drive with mac os x 10.4.9 with logic pro for any vocal recording and close knit editing, then on the other partition, xp pro sp3 with cubase 4 and everything i need within it, just got spectrasonics omnisphere set up as well, which is pretty much the best soft synth i've ever had the pleasure to use, fuck i'm excited to think of what this is all going to yield. Also, prospects with regards to some collabo's (yes reda) of various genres, my mind is finally coming out of the static it's inadvertently sealed itself in for so long. In other news, i finish work in 2 and a half weeks, am planning to go to Victoria to see some friends for like a week then come back here to chill/party for a week long music festival before coming the fuck back to England! Times ahead are good, times current are the same, my roommate is moving out tomorrow, and my job is nothing to me.

GOODNIGHT, i am going to try a backflip off of a 30 ft kicker tomorrow and see what happens, video evidence to come soon!

Mixtape No. 4 (kinda)

So this isn't really a mixtape per se, despite being more of a mix than all of the previous ones that've been on here, as if anyone really cares anyway, but they had a fair few downloads so i thought i'd add a belated 4th edition. This is pretty much a total non-sequiter considering the styles i previously put mixes together on, and is also an actual full mix, as in, one mp3 file with my recently acquired djing beginners techniques used to throw it together, i pretty much had nothing on the agenda for tonight so decided to put a little set together, hopefully some of it works out ok, i tried to put a bit of thought into the selection and be a little creative, most of the drops/general timings are super sloppy but fuck, what can you do. Hope you enjoy, i'm not going to bother giving any kind of information on most of the artists featured as i don't really know so much about most of them, so here's a tracklisting.

1. Telepathe - Devils Trident (Hearts Revolution Edit)
2. Surkin - Next Of Kin
3. The Mae Shi - Kingdom Come edit
4. Lo-Fi-Fnk - Want U
5. Klaxons - As Above, So Below(Justice Remix)
6. Music Go Music - Warm In The Shadows
7. Streetlife Dj's - We Like The Disco Sound
8. Boys Noize - Shine Shine
9. Para One - Du Dun Dun(MSTRKRFT Remix)
10. Health - Triceratops (Acid Girls Remix)
11. Digitalism - Homezone
12. Kavinsky - Wayfarer
13. The Bloody Beetroots - Butter
14 . Goose - British Mode(Jester Remix)
15. Shadow Dancer - Cowbois(Demo version)
16. MSTRKRFT - Vuvuvu
17. Siriusmo - Simple
18. Kill The Noise - Pull My Strings

download it here!

http://www.mediafire.com/?ttrni5tkymd

Writers Block/Warm Ups

It's been a long time since i've attempted to tune my previously conditioned mind back into the field of harmony, melody, rhythm and tempo, so therefore there's a slow long process to come before i can start bringing anything to anyone out there. Mainly i think it's the lack of direction that's an issue, from having had so long with no instruments to play i've got so many ideas that i need to implement in so many styles and modes that without some kind of focus or agenda i'll carry on my 15 minute work on intros before exiting without saving every time, i tell myself it's practice but that's a cop out. Patience is required, much more perseverance and a view towards an ending, always, an ending, otherwise this is all a waste of time and what i consider myself to be appropriate for in this ride is nothing more than another pipe dream. In the meantime, while trying to write some glitchy electronica, prefuse meets shadow esque(DIRECTIVE NUMBER 1) i'll compile another mixtape to upload, my ankles still not totally better, fuck, so there's sufficient downtime, after all, i finished watching every single video on the berrics at least twice, the well is dry.

In other news, Cinemechanica have released one of the most technically proficient pieces of music i've heard in a long time, 2 drummers, ridiculously intelligent and precise construction, so check out Rivals here, especially the track Kurosawa, it's sick.

I am a tourist.

No Idea

The world is a baffling place.

Some fucked up crying baby contest

Urges

I was just suddenly taken over, out of nowhere by a surge of paternal love towards everyone i've ever cared about in any capacity, to the extent of wanting to wrap themselves, their lives and motions in a blanket of cotton woll between anything bad and innocence. Whether this is down to not having seen most of them in at least 5 months, which is in essence a long time(considering how fast things move at this age, or at least should)or the pictures of me and my sister at like age 0 shown below i don't know, probably both.

I've been getting into djing/remixing a fair bit lately, genuinely considering spending the majority of any money i have left in the world on some usb decks, not forgetting the idea of needing p/a and speakers to play anywhere. I have an overly ambitious/idealistic image of just driving around in my car over the summer playing nosebleed electro at house parties every night and getting paid in beer, maybe the snows making my mind play tricks on me. Snow update, i can still board a little bit, mainly flatground trickery and no complys, but my ankles can't handle anything more, lost my keys on the slopes yesterday too, luck is not my friend but whatever, i'm not paying $70 to replace shit.

I looked back/cringed upon a bunch of thoughts i'd spoken or written back a few years ago and am so glad to have a record of some of these things, mainly due to the perspective it provides me on how much i hope i've grown up, and grown out of such childish desires as the need to impress amongst other things. Regardless, a lot of it still made sense, mostly, maybe slightly naive but at least what i had in my head wasn't boring, just slightly too mentally inhibited. Through all this, whatever i'd produced musically over that time somehow hasn't aged as badly, i hope that doesn't sound arrogant, although maybe it is, but i'm genuinely annoyed and still frustrated that i never managed to get a band going with all the ideas i had in my head/fingers, 4 years too late, maybe i'll be able to get something going, but fuck, if i hadn't been limited by small towns and no transport i'd be in a very different place/situation right now, or at least my self loathing side tells me so, you can never know. I've tried, at least.

I suppose i came up with a new idea today about possible collaborations back home/or from anywhere im set up in, writing drum tracks then sending them to someone for a bass track, then onto someone for a guitar track, then finishing off my own guitar tracks based on whatevers written before getting a guest vocalist or something on board as well, i'm just writing this for self reference so i dont forget, but hopefully it might actually pan out, i have a few ideas for possible candidates to work with already, wts. So i'm going to go out now while i still have time, try to phone my mother, email back anyone who's got in touch when i'm in and resist the temptation to mince around on the computer while i could be playing guitar. Annoyingly, don't expect to hear too much production wise from me until i get XP through in the mail, nothing i have properly works on Vista 64, so fuck, i'll stick to remixing telepathe for now.

Peace and fucking, believe.



i haven't seen my sister in so long or spoken either, i miss her a lot, no matter how old she is, in my eyes this is one age that'll never leave my memories.

The King Is Dead

Through my vague love affair with short term alcoholism i lost the entirety of today, mainly to a combination of post vomit depression and bed covers. Last night was pretty fun regardless, i got a lot of welled up over processed thoughts out of my head, much to the bewilderment of whoever was subjected to it. I noticed a few things, i never really talk about or mention people these days, it becomes difficult after the initial channels are exercised to have anything worth saying, anecdotal stuff obviously, but pride in people i know or have known is elusive. One thing i realised quite clearly while i've been here as well as through good conversation and videography is that my idealism would be misplaced to expect other people to share some of the ambition i possess, or have any need for it. There are a lot of over complicated things i seriously want to get into, or achieve in the patheticly tiny portion of time i;ll have in the realm of the living, and i think my paths are too cluttered to really enjoy my life, or the prospect of a future right now. It's 5 am and i haven't really attempted sleep yet, it'd probably make my hangover infinitely less damaging but whatever, i've found enough comfort in simple pleasures, ice cream and zelda, back to primary school habits. Anyway, i've spiralled off in all kinds of directions away from the reason i initially sat down to type my mind out a little bit on here. I guess chilling with one of the few people in this place who've actually had something decent to them has made me go back over some old mental ideas, just the fact of being sheltered from real life not just in this place but in general, apart from for a few forays into the unknown, most people here would place this "gap" or whatever it is as their experience, to take back and show off to family and friends, the same as the head in the sand mentality so many gap year workers do to go and experience how the poor folk live in a third world country or something, for no more reason than self satisfaction or vanity. I'm being overly cynical, another thing i realised over a lot of issues through my latest epiphanetical phase(is that a new word?), but i think i have a clearer idea on a few things now. Vague is easier, and my quiet ambition is no more tamed, but hopefully a little focussed. As long as busyness and productivity are maintained, i can do anything alone, but im starting to wish for company of mental kin a lot more lately. It's been so long that any eloquence i may have possessed is rusted solid, i await more grease eagerly.

Very well, goodnight, oh and chong is one for the books.

Manifestiny

So the other day i basically decided to get my life in order, shave, buy some mouthwash, even conditioner and clean the shit out of our living area/room. No idea what possessed me but i'm willing to guess the impending doom i'd felt a few days earlier due to a massive sense of humour failure in the HR department where i work, as a result, a meeting with the hotel manager, luckily a reasonable and intelligent man with some insights into my own personality apparently, who allowed me to maintain my existence up here in the mountains. It seems writing notes in the staff cafeteria threatening everyone with biblical violence if they don't put their shit away so i don't have to clear it up at work is not a good idea, but the joy and humour i brought into other peoples lives surely compensates for this, i nearly became a martyr for not the first time in my life!

But regardless of this, i actually look forward to entering my room now, and i realised i hadn't really fully explained my living quarters to the folks at home, and other globetrotters. The corridors around here are reminiscient of a mental asylum of some kind, it's the simplest kind of accomodation before any personal touches are added, you enter your unit to find a shower room, toilet, little washing/phone/lockers area and then the two bedrooms. Luckily, yet for the worst reasons, there's only 3 people in our entire unit of two bedrooms now which helps with clutter etc. The rooms are divided with a curtain which draws a line through my and my roommates respective domains. He's got two beds in his so i guess i have a little room, cupboard, half a chest of drawers, bedside table with little papertray and shit, standard stuff really. This is weak and i'm not in descriptive mode so i took a few pictures on my phone to sort of show how i'm living.








The quality off of my ex girlfriends pink motorola razr is extremely close to a joke so i'll introduce a few of the guests, my lil sony vaio, standard sambuca, mixer/interface and microphone, slaughterhouse 5, acoustic guitar and posters, these are currently everything i need in the world.

Well minus one thing, idiot Windows 64 Bit is incompatible with close to all of my music software, rendering my many versions of Cubase useless or buggy as fuck, so before i get recording and producing anything genius out here properly i'll need to purchase Windows XP again, cheers life.. My ankles nearly healed, how you can roll it strapped into a snowboard boot is beyond me, but considering how close it felt to snapping im stoked to be walking, thus snowboarding tomorrow again.

EVERYTHING IS VERY GOOD.

Comfort

A Break, A Pause

I wrote this under the influence of a lot, sitting on my own at a bar watching people in presidents week, i've decided not to give a shit about whether it makes sense or even means anything any more, there's another like this in my notepad that's even more ridiculous, hi hippies.

"These people around their shallow company, it seems absurd yet wonderful. The casual liquid security they find is easy and aged. Bonds through our intoxication, humour, and less these days; our adversity. After all, there is less.
When it does come, i see alone, static triumph above xxx, my mental survival is what's important. Here i am, comforted within my own mind, i can take pride in this.

On a saturday night, cold under heat lamps, i am at least unpretentious, writing alone, not to create an image to those around me but for myself. I am not above, i am not below, i am merely a human, first and foremost, expressing myself. I cannot be truly alone whilst containing myself, i know what i can create, where i have stood watching visitors and jaded lifers walk by.

I am not confined, i may have made peace with my anger and leaked vulnerability. Those i see with a mind i can relate to and appreciate are clearer, however few, even if they don't know it. Being close isn't even an issue anymore, just knowing they exist is enough.

How my father and mother allow each other their anxieties, fears and pains, and get sustenance from each other is a great thing to me, i hope i am lucky enough to compliment someone so well one day."

Job Well Done

So it seems i've apparently been doing a "stellar" job at work lately, which despite the monotony of the work, in such a generally fast paced and stressful environment, i'm pretty stoked on it. Hopefully i'm down for less of a chance of unemployment any time soon at least! Anyway, it got me thinking upon how anyone develops towards being at the forefront of their chosen lifestyle, or even their job if that can be considered a way of life, i imagine in the eyes of many career orientated individuals this is the case. When truly belonging to the elite, i seem to think that a degree of nihilism is required, whether it be disregard for any other aspect of supposed importance in your life, your mind/sanity or body. For those in the business of creativity, this is generally an isolated process,, if you have enough luck it may bring others to you, but not often the other way around. Sportsmen, though simpleminded as i may probably generalise, seem to have a way more sociable and enjoyable ride of it, but i think the satisfaction is a more primal one, the desire to be the best, which i guess i just talked about, contradictorily, yet the idea of creation itself, a sound, an image or an emotion, just evokes far more of an idea of pride within me. I feel i have that kind of a singleminded enough attitude on life to hopefully progress in something, where i see myself in a year is not the amalgam of dwindled out mediocre projects i'm currently resting on. I've just finished reading The World According To Garp again, and can only meekly understand the protective paternal fears featured as the general theme other than for my parents and sole sibling, but his(and i imagine John Irvings) writers attitude on life is something i can see in myself regularly, seeing it expressed so eloquently just helps me focus on my plans ahead, which may even possibly include writing something other than self indulgent blog entries. Wait for something good, without the distractions so easily presented to me back in England, i see the lives i could've clung onto becoming stagnant and drawn out, my minds in a good place right now, i think.

WTS

Real Life

High Life

So it seems we all have our points of interest, any moment in which we open up enough for people to start moulding their impressions upon what we choose to tell, miss out or talk about in our past. Everyone loves themselves more than anyone else, so if you want them to love you you'd better be like them, or have the confidence and abandon enough to tread your own steps. I know what i let slip, played in a couple of bands, do a bunch of self indulgent music that'll probably never make it out of my bedroom, could've been a dancer but gave up, who knew! In fact, after most small talk i've found nothing but simple minded mental nourishment, exercise, money, poor entertainment and unattainable women. I don't know how much this all matters or what i'm getting towards. How does anyone get past the small talk of a few seconds, i find it insufferable and would rather speak gibberish than exchange "how are you's" or smiles and nods. Why not just ignore if you have nothing to say? I guess acknowledgement helps the needy and insecure, but i have little enough love to care for both. Sympathy grows with experience, and while i've learnt that noone really wants to hear about the problems of their distant friends, i've not had enough problems in this new reality to need any friends to confide in. The friends in this 9-5 seem superficial and impermanent, of these older friends i find immaturity and lack of social intelligence far before their years. In fact, most people don't even believe/or know that i'm 19 here. I like this place yet am confused by its smiles and laughs. I like the people but know that once i leave many will fade away. I have no problems but long for the ones of old, what would play on my conscience, how my mind would unravel at injustice and be shared with like minds and less. Those i looked up to are still alive, more understood and less dwelt on. Happy valentines day, this ones for the lovers.

Quotations

I overhead an Australian with a nosebleed say this on the bus today and it made me laugh so much..

"One thing i've learnt from snowboarding is this for sure, if you're going to go big, don't land on your face."


LEARN FROM THIS MAN

WHY DOES NOONE LISTEN TO ME?!

Amnesiac

The other night, amongst other things i had one of the most fulfilling conversations/moments of my life, something few and far between these days. I decided on a drunken whim to ask a homeless guy if he wanted some beer in exchange for me having a go on his guitar. Being in open D Major, which is pretty much my favourite tuning anyway, i had a full on session to the point where a few people on the bridge we were sitting on came past and stuck around for a bit, we talked about the failings of the local area to provide for those below the businessman holiday type brackets etc, cliche stuff you'd expect to hear from those left behind, but he expressed it with an eloquence i wouldn't personally have expected. Other than this nights have been hard, alcohol is only bringing out rage amongst other things, probably due to the frustration im feeling due to injury right now, attempted to snowboard today but the broken coccyx is no better, i suppose a week and a half is too soon to expect full recovery, but i guess the main worry is playing a painful game of catch up in a months time. I haven't listened to any new music for a time, if anyone could suggest something above the credit crunch for me to think about then that'd be great. Drunken negative moments aside, i had one of the most euphoric listening to Yndi Halda walking through the snow the other night, i hear it's snowing back home so all of you should try something along the same lines, simple pleasures i suppose.. I'm pressed for time, and seemingly wrote a whole, frankly ridiculous passage on many a thing in a stupour the other night which may find its way onto here when i'm feeling a little less self concious.

Reflection

From living a life of near to solitude over the past few months it's been inevitable that i'd have a lot of time for introspection, whether it be over stale thoughts that shouldn't even bother me anymore to new varietys of self examination. I know i'm now entirely capable of living life as either a socialite or a hermit in any new surroundings i choose to head to, something that i've always wondered whether i could do over a more permanent basis than spontaneous weeks of misguided travel. Whether this is something i even want to do is another matter though, it's an interesting kind of existence, but taking the time to build something worthwhile remains more attractive, yet a lot more distant. Can't anyone travel around on their own if they really want to, once they get past whatever lack of independence or insecurities they might harbour? If anything, life here with few friends is easier than back home, where any act out of character would warrant immediate judgement from anyone who wanted something to talk about. I know i can build something with what i have in my head, whether it ends up being the currently unplanned route of music production, something i'm still not sure i could deal with, or anything more inspiring. Fuck, i just need time to reinstil my creativity and focus my mind on any kind of future, and while my minds being filled with primal rushes and monotony that can't happen.

I think LSD and an epiphany is a good call, expect colours and shapes in a good place sometime soon.

Fuck The Credit Crunch

From my initial naivety that my new home existed in some kind of idyllic economic, social bubble, i've just found out otherwise to the harshest degree. About 6 of my friends from staff housing/work all got laid off with absolutely no warning or compensation yesterday, hard decisions have to be made but to this extent is disagreeable to say the least. Basically these peoples plans for life or at least a gap year have just been totally fucked over, some may stay in the area, some not, but everyones definitely going to be walking on eggshells for the next few months. I'm reasonably certain my job is safe due to being understaffed initially but who knows.

On a lighter note, Hugh Jackman and Eric Bana had dinner together in our restaurant last night, and one of our mates walked past the Wolverine with knives between his fingers for the whole night, applaudable.

So it's been 2 weeks

I guess loads has happened, but as per usual i've had no time in my life to do anything, especially with seemingly everybody in staff housing getting flu. I've taken my usual approach to illness and multiplied it by gnar so i'm basically ignoring it and figuring snowboarding every morning and working every night is the best way to get over it. Speaking of which, i should've gone up today only to wake up with my recently dislocated shoulder giving me mad jib and no health. So i've come into town and picked up mad amounts of fruit/drink to get me back on track. Also, new years will have an entire post devoted to it as soon as i have time(don't expect this often), but put it this way, i finished work at 1.30 am new years day and still had possibly the best/most outlandish new years of my life, considering last year i climbed over a huge barbed wire wall to get into a surreal (possibly gay) club with an Alice in Wonderland themed room with upside down umbrellas hanging from the ceiling and flourescent teardrops everywhere that's saying something. I need a while to write a communal email to a bunch of people, which was partially what this was supposed to be if people knew about it, but i guess considering how dead it's been lately another port of call is necessary. Ok, i've got to go to work in a half hour so it looks like this is it for now, goodbye imaginary online world.