And

Wasted so much time watching this cheeky frenchman today, absolutely incredible, i haven't laughed like such a little child in so long, probably since doing something like this actually, genius..

L'ESCARGOT (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

PAC MAN (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

England

I guess i'm the hell back in the country of my birth then, already finding it a little hard to adjust; fear at everyone driving on the right side of the road, being in a car in general, local inbreeding, amongst various other things. Having free food readily available is so ideal though, i am king of my stomach. So basically i am now expecting to have about a month of holiday at home, spending the rest of my remaining money on seeing everyone good from this island, attempting to retune my rusted social interaction skills, and am looking forward to seeing anyone that is going to help with this. I've lost a lot of brain cells over the past few weeks and although i should try and recuperate in sound mind, this is looking less and less likely.

So basically, i'm(nearly) back, have the same phone number, love in my heart and beer to drink, things are good so get in touch.

SO ANNOYING

Why the shit do stupid fucking laptop fans have to do some annoying bullshit where now they make a noise whenever the fucking laptop does anything that makes me want to smash its pathetic little annoying face with my fist. I am going to fight you technology, go home.

Holding Someones Hair Back

I leave Canada in under 2 weeks now, thats insane. Ideally, i'd construct some in depth summary of all the shit that went down in gay america at some point, but that'll have to wait until a time when my mind has returned to the realm of the living. So, what's new, the drunken need to tell people things as per, like mulling over a wound, everyone loves to air their dirty laundry. I think i've let every skeleton out of my closet to people i don't know lately, while in the past few days, probably adding a couple of new ones, it's been a little bit of a rampage. Still drunk and killing life with my hands. Attempting to maintain a bit of composure, do a bit of writing, got a few ideas for a short story i'd like to write this summer, i don't know why i'm saying that here as i'm only going to be embarassed when the topic would come up in conversation. Which makes no sense, lifes twisted when i can't even speak upon pipe dreams. Jesus, i'm gargling words again. Everyone is leaving all around me and i can't even maintain sobriety to have it actually mean something, thats not good. Today i'm eating again which is nice, my bodys diet of a sambuca bottle per night and whatever else is available can only last so long. I'm going to bed, no tears.

Good Days

Waking up drunk, phone calls, snowboarding, steak, bungee jumping, bacardi gold, rest my chemistry, chats, breaking things, skateboarding, pizza.

Yesterday was excellent.

This Summer

I was looking back through a few old photos, and realised, one thing i am looking forward to more than anything this summer is skate sessions, any chance to regress to probably, looking back, the best period of my life on this earth is welcomed, everyone/anyone up for bombing hills and breaking hearts needs to get in touch.



<

Europe

So the last few days have been pretty cool actually, i've been a little dehabilitated from whatever issues my head was dealing with, but it actually seems to be getting better, which im currently taking full advantage of via just trying to get some ideas on paper, plan some good things and think about what the fuck it is that i'm going to do with my life. Telling people with a sure voice that my agenda is set when i know next to nothing about where and when im going anywhere is getting old, i know myself to be too spontaneous to truly plan anything, and it's worked out so far. From keeping a bit of a lurk on happenings back in England, there's such a discrepancy between the people doing something, whether it be promising, succesful, or perhaps uninspired, to the people living the same old. I don't really know what i'm saying, my mind isn't yet fully functional again, but basically, i'm just looking forward to seeing and hanging out with people back home who are actually trying to put their mind to good use, get some projects going and not be scared about just getting themselves out there without giving a shit about the vulnerability or embarassment some people might try and force out from it, and im equally looking forward to not having to see the people who suck, and just use disdain, cynicsm and basically stupid humour to escape from actually trying out being a human being. Speaking of which, i finally feel like one again, i quit my job today, so am no longer a slave to machines and rich suit pieces of shit, it's liberating, i can expect a fullish paycheck plus holiday pay, tax rebate, deposits and stuff in a few weeks so i will even have money to come home with, hopefully. This has been a shitty blurred post, i'm aware of that, but fuck, i'm just glad to have enough conciousness to even type anything at all. I am deleting, into the danish, and not into pussies, get out.

Goodnight world, 4 am.

Rust Leaks

I sometimes wonder what other peoples demons look like,
the kind that keep you from dreaming them away..
Men with tails, hovering over the shoulder,
in their business suits, trying to give you the cold priorities they'd drill into you and me,
and before this, their own poor, clean slate children.

Hollow body, fluttering wings, drifting in between my moments of restlessness, certain that any moment spent awake, is one more for them to grow, design, weave patterns in an exhausted mind.

We all have our causes, shapes, sizes, different names for empty heads and nothing but silence to fill them with.

I thought i saw mine meeting in nighttime pubs, sharing drinks behind shades, exchanging stories of another woman broken, or another thought turned to glass. "Don't rush your drink", they say, "you're here for the long haul".

Fuck You Canada

So i'd been feeling pretty unwell the last couple of days, not lethargic or anything, just generally faint/on the point of passing out. But this is besides the point, basically, i don't get sick or anything too often and while it can probably just be put down to partying too hard for a while and lack of sleep, i wanted to check it out at the doctors. So i head down to the hospital to try and get an appointment, only for them to try and convince me i need to pay $700-1200 up front(?!?!) as my symptoms could lead to an emergency, and that they don't charge my insurance up front, which over these however many months has proved to be the most useless piece of shit couple of documents i've ever paid for. So fuck that, i do not have that kind of money at my disposal, nor do i intend to spend it on something so ridiculous. I go to a medical clinic for a consultation with a gp, where i have to pay &70 to wait for so long despite being the only patient in the building, before a brief, bored, and non-detailed examination where it seems she's just ticking boxes rather than actually trying to ascertain what's wrong with me. The exact quote i get given is "from this it's impossible to know what's wrong with you", OH NICE THANKS, i could've got that off of google you overpaid shrew, so i get told i need to pay more money, like $80 and come back for a blood test tomorrow morning, for results that won't come until i'm back in England and can deal with a healthcare system that while being flawed in it's many own ways, at least doesn't try to rinse you for money you don't have. I was tempted to steal a few bottles of something that sounded like morphine while she wasn't looking, try and get something for the extortionate amount i paid rather than a bitter taste of defeat and a far lighter wallet, but it turns out it was worthless shit anyway. So far from impressed, still feel smooth, nice one life. At least now that i've written this down i don't have to complain to real people, noone wants to hear that do they. But yeah, i've spent the most annoying amount this season on healthcare, pretty much never enough so that it's worth paying my insurance excess to cover it, but enough so that i have to eat staff canteen meals for a week, total bullshit.

Pretty Little Lightning Paw

This band are currently the only thing stopping me from stepping into the edge of oblivion, and i don't even know why. Hold it together Martin.

In other news, i had a little idea today that maybe i'd write short stories, or just passages of prose/poetry, similar to the little one i put below, and accompany them with an instrumental song i'd write to compliment them, perhaps sometimes the other way around, the two factors working symbiotically anyway. Could even get my wonderful, talented sister to do some illustrations, then make some cassettes with them all together and mail them to anyone interested. I really like the idea of doing something like this with my spare time, and am mainly writing about it here to remind me, as i pretty much definitely am going to start this when my heads feeling a little better. If you'd be interested in receiving a copy of anything like this then just let me know, incentives.

Dordogne

The weather is incredible outside, t shirts at the base of a mountain, in and amongst real snow is a lot. It smells like summer for the first time since i've been to france, slightly melting tarmac, grass coming back to life, all of that good shit. I cannot wait to get back on a skateboard, move out of kent and venture into the unknown again. In a minute i'm going to phone my mother, have a shower and go to work, i am a fan of nice things, so intrduce me to some. 

Sleep

"Last night, i imagined that if i fell asleep, i would never wake up. It worked, and i was dead.

 As it turns out, it was a lot like being alive. I could see, and i could feel. To start with, the things i could see and feel were lifelike, tangible, and as real as you, i, a pen or a piece of paper. I couldn't tell whether they were things i'd seen before, but the brain is a powerful thing, and it seemed to be taking me to places, views and objects that i wanted to be around. They would float in and out of my grasp, i was running through clouds, or chasing a sunset.
The clouds were never shaped like anything, but as a child they were always seahorses, countries, the blankets the stars would put on at night. I could talk forever about all the things they were..

 As time passed(or i imagine it did) in this new state, my attention span would flit between these places slower and slower, but i couldn't hold onto a sensation any longer, or quite make out the distance between myself and my surroundings. I imagine this was because my brain began to run out of batteries, i'd heard that it does this a few hours after you die..

 I aged all over again, the vivid, colourful, untouched sparks of life and living were slowly replaced by withdrawn, simpler, basic sensations. Despite what you may imagine, this was ok, to me it seemed like everything was just that much, and nothing more.

 I became aware of a few things, i could neither see myself, or imagine what i could see with. I knew that at one point, some time, i had had eyes, but this was not them, they were not this, this was something else. I started to have thoughts again, and even a kind of a conscience. I had no body, no weight but that which my mind could give me. These thoughts weren't in colour, but nor did they need to be, no regret was had for anything i had left behind.

 Some would mourn for me, a mother that bore me, a few lovers, and the loves i called my friends. Some people might cry, without ever really having known me, perhaps just needing a reason to feel sad and grieve. I remember understanding this a long time ago, even doing it myself, but here i could not. A lot had changed since then. Some would not bat an eyelid, but this was fine for them, and for I. Many would tell those i held close that i was in "a better place now", but that was a lie, this new, monochrome passage was neither better nor worse, above or below, it simply was, unaffected, constant, and calm. I thought of the ocean at night, at a time when nothing yet had broken the surface.

 I imagined all of the thoughts my mind could imagine, for what seemed like forever, free of emotion, just a quiet, clean air of acceptance. That was what was.

 I had had enough of being dead, so i was not. I saw a person in a bed between a single door cupboard and a plain white wall. That was me. My room only has one window, out of which i can see a mound of earth, and in the early spring a few flowers i've never known. Past the earth is a playground, which you can see from the floor above. I live alone, a pretty girl lives next door but i don't know her name, just like the flowers.

 Tomorrow night, i will imagine something new."

I'm laughing so much

Just found such a shitty song i made in like 06 or something when i first ever got into music production on Cubasis as a joke(i hope) for my bro Josh to make a PlayRadioPlay rip off act after he stole some of Joshes zombie dvds, i don't even know how i came up with this, but it is beyond ridiculous, i hope you find it as funny as i do, wow...

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?tznwmmmigiz

Juicy

So the last few days have been a blur, i've totally forgotten what sleep feels like, being commited to the high life on your days off takes its toll. But regardless of minor embarassments, cringiness and general slaughtering of humanity, it's been very good, from epic 5 hour chats with distant friends to the same with those close to (my recent)home. Anyway, what the fuck have i been doing, i basically decided that instead of judging everything before i let myself experience it(such an english fault), i'd just let it all happen and ride with it, possibly influenced by copious amounts of beer etc, but it was worthwhile, i did the most laddish thing ever in doing pub golf with pretty much everyone from work, a few good other people and some tagalong annoying girls, which ended up being so entertaining purely out of seeing people just dealing with drinking to a proper extent, i guess my dad being australian and my tendencies towards 70's of cheap spirits have let my tolerance maintain enough to revel in others alcoholic misfortunes rather than endure my own. Apart from not being dressed up, something i partly regret now, it's the first time in my life, and probably the only time that i've felt out of place for not wearing a golfers outfit, it was just good, un pressured, chilled and entertaining, seeing a few friends leave the town was a little sad, more time could've been spent together for sure and maybe will be, but it was a good buzz. So, pup golf/martin ruffin - 1, life/the man - 0. Still annoyed at Dean for leaving with bird but it cannot be helped, he knows and so do we all.
I don't really know why i'm writing this now as i haven't slept since wednesday night, but i guess i'm rolling now and the ball won't stop, and as of tonight i realised how good a record was to keep.
So last night, i spontaneously decided to go to a pals birthday night who i'd met once in a hot tub, surreal, which ended up being decidedly ridiculous, my mind has not left itself in such a manner for a long time, calming down was never on the agenda, but once again i feel like a human, so it's all good. It's a shame i'm only really putting myself out there so much now as my shifts/work dies down, when people tend to be disappearing, rather than earlier in the season when people were probably more open to new scenes, i guess i tended to rely on friends out of history, convenience and shit. Well, not so much, i've done a lot better than i would've back home, but now i feel i guess i'm doing myself more justice, i don't know. Code code code, i realised tonight, a lot of this stream of conciousness bullshit probably makes no sense to anyone but me and my strange grasp on language and crypticism, but i guess that's why i do it, anyone who cares can pick out something. OK, nice. So from now feeling real for a good 14 hours starting at 9 last night and dealing with work today has really made me into something good, and it was a treat to not lose a day today, do some writing, recording, even go out and just have a mellow night with good friends and good conversations for a change, something i'd been missing. I'd forgotten how good getting mildly drunk was on the same level as everyone else.

Ok, i'm going to sleep now as i'm not sure whether i'll feel like a different, neurotic, psychotic douchebag again when i wake up, so take care world, i am into you.

PS. As i'm sure a few select people will be glad to know, i have finally, truly stopped sweating.

Neck Cramp

The closest i've ever felt to dying, apparently falling 20 foot and whipping your head into steeps can result in delayed pain.

Here's a few photos of a jump building session we had a few weeks back though, shitty quality but who cares, just riding with a view like that behind you is incredible, living the dream.

Practice No.1

So in between nursing hangovers, injuries and working, i've been trying to refamiliarise myself with old production techniques, as i've already written about, but anyway, i guess this is my first finished piece, it isnt really that thought out or creative, not to mention subtle, but i just wanted to get reacquainted with everything i was into before, so have a listen if you want i suppose, i even went super lame and faded out rather than write a proper ending, but it's a start! I guess i just needed to at least finish something, get into good habits now before i start to work on anything more serious. If you're into it let me know! I guess i didn't bother properly mixing it down, high bass and shit, but it's more a session in sound design and editing rather than sound quality and levels. It's called Haunt, i don't know why, i tend to choose filenames over song titles, just let my hands type whatever. I guess that's what this is too, i'm pretty drunk and have been recording for a few hours(It's half 3 am), so maybe some more stuff will be posted soon.

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?xndvjnzzy2k

ps. i didn't land a backflip, 540s went down though.