Urges

I was just suddenly taken over, out of nowhere by a surge of paternal love towards everyone i've ever cared about in any capacity, to the extent of wanting to wrap themselves, their lives and motions in a blanket of cotton woll between anything bad and innocence. Whether this is down to not having seen most of them in at least 5 months, which is in essence a long time(considering how fast things move at this age, or at least should)or the pictures of me and my sister at like age 0 shown below i don't know, probably both.

I've been getting into djing/remixing a fair bit lately, genuinely considering spending the majority of any money i have left in the world on some usb decks, not forgetting the idea of needing p/a and speakers to play anywhere. I have an overly ambitious/idealistic image of just driving around in my car over the summer playing nosebleed electro at house parties every night and getting paid in beer, maybe the snows making my mind play tricks on me. Snow update, i can still board a little bit, mainly flatground trickery and no complys, but my ankles can't handle anything more, lost my keys on the slopes yesterday too, luck is not my friend but whatever, i'm not paying $70 to replace shit.

I looked back/cringed upon a bunch of thoughts i'd spoken or written back a few years ago and am so glad to have a record of some of these things, mainly due to the perspective it provides me on how much i hope i've grown up, and grown out of such childish desires as the need to impress amongst other things. Regardless, a lot of it still made sense, mostly, maybe slightly naive but at least what i had in my head wasn't boring, just slightly too mentally inhibited. Through all this, whatever i'd produced musically over that time somehow hasn't aged as badly, i hope that doesn't sound arrogant, although maybe it is, but i'm genuinely annoyed and still frustrated that i never managed to get a band going with all the ideas i had in my head/fingers, 4 years too late, maybe i'll be able to get something going, but fuck, if i hadn't been limited by small towns and no transport i'd be in a very different place/situation right now, or at least my self loathing side tells me so, you can never know. I've tried, at least.

I suppose i came up with a new idea today about possible collaborations back home/or from anywhere im set up in, writing drum tracks then sending them to someone for a bass track, then onto someone for a guitar track, then finishing off my own guitar tracks based on whatevers written before getting a guest vocalist or something on board as well, i'm just writing this for self reference so i dont forget, but hopefully it might actually pan out, i have a few ideas for possible candidates to work with already, wts. So i'm going to go out now while i still have time, try to phone my mother, email back anyone who's got in touch when i'm in and resist the temptation to mince around on the computer while i could be playing guitar. Annoyingly, don't expect to hear too much production wise from me until i get XP through in the mail, nothing i have properly works on Vista 64, so fuck, i'll stick to remixing telepathe for now.

Peace and fucking, believe.



i haven't seen my sister in so long or spoken either, i miss her a lot, no matter how old she is, in my eyes this is one age that'll never leave my memories.